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I thought that this was a very poignant post on the Girl Who Does Yoga blog about losing friends. I think that anybody reading the post will relate to the pain and confusion of losing friends through all kinds of different circumstances. My wife and I have standing jokes about a few people that we knew who suddenly disappeared off the radar screen though we know that they are still alive and kicking.
One of the realizations that comes with age is that many friendships are based on expedience. We may not want to admit it when we are younger but sometimes we befriend people purely because they have something to offer us and vice versa. When the circumstances change those friendships rarely last. What trips us up is when we invest in a friendship that we regard as a 'pure' friendship without realizing that it is a friendship of convenience for the other person.
In my own life I have noticed that I have less and less time to have friends in the traditional sense of things. My primary focus is my family and I do not often meet up with the few friends I have around these parts. My main contact outside of home life is with my work colleagues. My wife has a very different situation whereby she seems to make new friends at the bus stop and before long that person is around ours for a cup of coffee. That is great because otherwise she would have no diversion from looking after the kids. I do hope that there will come a time in the next few years when we will have more time for going out and meeting people like we used to. Having young children and having an active social life is a pretty hard mix to combine. Life might well begin (again) at 40 dreadful as that sounds.
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9 comments:
Thenks for referring to my post here.
I agree with you and with age I'm realising that there is a lot of "convenience" friendship out there, and I'm cleaning my life off it. No time for it, focusing on my family too and the few friends who i do know are for life!
Very interesting blog, I'll come spend some time here :)
Take care
Tatoca
Hi A
This is on my mind a lot lately. I've lost my 'best' friend since my life changed completely a few years ago. Just when I needed her most, she ran. I miss her but only in certain ways.
And it's hard to make true friends at this age and stage. Acquaintances pile up but true friends are rare.
I always think everyone else has more friends and a better social life than us. But maybe I'm wrong?
WRW
Humans are gregarious. Meeting and interacting with people is a natural drive for us. I find I recognise this fact and happily interact without major investment. Therefore I have plenty of surface level friends. I'm also very independent, so this satisfies the instinct to interact but allows me the space I require. Close friends arise from shared experience, this is necessarily restricted when you are married.
@Tatoca
Welcome over here and thanks again for your really good original post on the topic.
@WRW
It's definitely harder to make close friends as you grow older especially if you have kids. I turn down many invitations to drinks with work colleagues and expat groups because I can't make it fit in with family life.
As far as I can see the people who have a family network close by have a better social life because of access to trustworthy child care.
I have to say that there are two other important factors for me. One is a certain laziness to make the effort to really get to know people, when you are younger you have so much more energy for this. The second for me is that I used to have quite a few female friends but it is not really possible to get too close to other women without jealousy and other factors getting in the way. I would not be too happy if my wife had close(single) male friends either.
You end up wanting to make couple friends but it is pretty hard to have two couple where all four people get on equally. We make life complicated, don't we?
@TC
I think it was Rousseau who said that you should marry your best friend, probably for that very reason.
A very very interesting topic indeed and one I have been thinking about a lot recently for a particular reason... sometimes it's hard to accept that it is time to move on - just like with partner
Hey A
I agree with the family support comment. If we lived near our families, I'm sure we'd get out more!
I also agree re the single male/female friends thing. It's a hard one to negotiate. Mainly, neither of us see that much of those people anymore.
I also have less room for friends. Some friendships are just way too demanding and time consuming. It's nice to see someone every so often and not have them whinging if you don't ring all the time. Childless friends often complain that I don't contact them enough, I find. I'm busy, people!
Apparently in general people's overall happiness declines until 40 and then follows an upward curve thereafter. I can't say I have observed this trend myself, so it is possibly bollox.
I've always had problems making lasting friendships right back to when I was a kid. I've never quite worked out why that is. Maybe I'm too picky, or too unconventional, or too lazy, or too self-centred. Plus Jenny's been my close companion for many years so that makes me disinclined to put a lot of energy into befriending other people. I think anyone who has two or three really close and supportive friends is very lucky.
@Conortje
If your partner was also a really close friend iot is definitely a double loss if the relationship splits.
@WRW
It's nice to have a variety of friends and acquaintances but it is true that people with kids can understand better how they dominate your life and leave so little time.
@TC
I hope that theory is right but every age seems to bring its own gains andf losses.
@Nick
It's great that you do have such a close partner and friend. I agree with you that people with a few very close friends are lucky. I dread loneliness more than anything.
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